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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28909203">Touch me, Touch me not</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99'>Mickey_99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Castiel Does Not Understand Humans (Supernatural), Charlie is a good bro, Dean Being Dean, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, M/M, Misunderstandings, Near Death, Polyamory Negotiations, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Self-Worth Issues, They Are All Stupid, Touch-Starved, but we love them anyways, the brothers aren't dating, we do stan charlie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:14:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28909203</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not that Sam doesn't want to be touched. It's just he doesn't know how to respond, and he doesn't know how to ask.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Gabriel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Dean Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Touch me, Touch me not</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Let me know what you think ^-^</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam had issues. He knew that. He rarely if ever voiced the dark thoughts in his head. Thoughts brought into being from centuries inside the cage. Thoughts of how disgusting his body was, how tainted. Fears of being touched constantly warring against his fear of not being touched. He had managed to voice to his angels that he didn’t want them inside his head without his consent. Both angels had agreed wholeheartedly seeming to understand that, after two possessions, Sam wouldn’t want angels snooping through his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe if he had just swallowed his fear of speaking up, the whole incident might have been avoided.</p><p> </p><p>It started when the four of them were watching television one night. Gabe and Cass were cuddled into Dean, it had been long since understood that Sam would curl up on his side of the couch by himself. Folding in on himself so much that it was almost surprising when the younger Winchester stood up at his full height. But Sam seemed comfortable in his closed off posture, so neither of his lovers or his brother ever seemed to question it. They never seemed to try to pull him into the cuddle session either.</p><p> </p><p>Which was fine. It was fine. Because Sam understood how tainted he was. And even though it hurt, Sam was happy with the occasional kiss to the cheek or sex that came with dating the two angels. Whatever they were willing to give him he would take.</p><p> </p><p>But no matter how hard Sam pressed those ideas into his mind. No matter how hard he tried to cement the “I’m okay”, as reality. There was still a heavy ache in his chest. There was still tears that sometimes threatened to fall.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I am gonna head to bed,” Sam says when he feels the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. It was getting harder to hide the pain he felt. Because everyday it felt like the angels were moving more towards Dean.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want company?” Cass asks, his piercing blue eyes can be felt on Sam even though the hunter wasn’t even facing him.</p><p> </p><p>Sam wanted company, but he didn’t want Cass to see him cry. So, Sam shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Sam says hiding the pain in his voice,” I am pretty tired so I think I will just turn in for the night.”</p><p> </p><p>Sam walks away, leaving the other three males on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>Castiel settles back into his cuddling spot as Sam leaves the room.</p><p> </p><p>“I think he’s lost interest in us,” Cass says, and his voice sounds pained.</p><p> </p><p>Dean opens one eye, having had them both shut in an attempt to sleep,” Why do you think that?” Dean groans and then re-shuts his eye. Obviously, the older Winchester didn’t feel like this was at all a pressing concern.</p><p> </p><p>“He never wants to touch us,” Castiel says thoughtfully. Though his face was that of a kicked puppy.</p><p> </p><p>Dean internally groaned and made a mental note to tell Sam not to teach the angels how to use puppy dog eyes. They didn’t need a nuke that could make you want to hug it.</p><p> </p><p>Dean shrugs,” Sam and I have never been the type to initiate contact,” Dean rolls over so that his face is nuzzled into Gabriel’s neck. Though the archangel groans as Dean shoves an elbow into his gut, “Shut up you nuke with wings, I doubt it even hurt.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the principle Dean-o,” Gabriel grumbled.</p><p> </p><p>“So, should I start touching Sam?” Castiel asks ignoring the antics of his partners.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on Cass,” Dean groans,” Why do you gotta make it sound like that?” A beat of silence occurred, and Dean sighed, “I mean yeah. If he’s not going to initiate, then maybe you should try starting it for once instead of hoping he does.”</p><p> </p><p>They lull into a silence, until Gabe starts kissing Dean’s neck. And then suddenly a relaxing cuddling session turns into something less relaxing.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning Sam walked past the room he had left the other three in the night prior, his heart ached as he saw the three tangled up together in the nude. Castiel was the only one who Sam could see was awake. Sam wished Cass would touch him like that. Gentle strokes through the hair. A soft kiss on his head.</p><p> </p><p>Sam shook his head and walked away to the kitchen. He went about his daily routine in silence, grabbing a mug and putting grounds into the coffee maker. It was as he was finally pouring his coffee that arms wrapped around his waist, and Sam spilled coffee everywhere as he jumped slightly. Then he froze. The feeling was foreign, and Sam didn’t know how to respond to the weird sensation. And moments later it was gone.</p><p> </p><p>Sam spun around to try a catch a glimpse of whoever had hugged him, only to find Castiel staring at him with an expression of scrutiny.</p><p> </p><p>Sam’s heart sank in his chest. Cass had probably felt how disgusting he was and decided that he didn’t want to touch Sam anymore. And the thought hurt more than Sam could imagine. His eyes burned and Sam ran from the room, not wanting Castiel to see him cry.</p><p> </p><p>Dean entered the kitchen as Sam left.</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell happened?” Dean asked stopping in the doorway. Half of him wanting to chase after his brother, and the other half wanted to hug Cass. Castiel looked heartbroken.</p><p> </p><p>“I only gave him a hug,” Castiel says, his brow furrowed in confusion and hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Dean stalled at a loss for words, “Maybe Sammy just isn’t the touchy feely type in the morning,” Dean says forcing a chuckle. Dean waits for a moment, hoping his angel would at least crack a smile. When Cass didn’t, Dean walked over and hugged Cass tightly, “I’m sure it’s nothing. Like I said, Sammy might not be keen on morning hugs until he gets his coffee.”</p><p> </p><p>Castiel seemed to relax at the thought. And he sank into Dean’s chest happily.</p><p> </p><p>Sam tried his best to push the moment from his head as he sat at the library table. His eyes poured over a book, but a page hadn’t been flipped since he had sat down half an hour before. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head to try and clear his mind. But it was no use, the burning in his chest took over.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>They would be better off with Dean anyways.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Boy with Demon Blood.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Lucifer’s Bitch.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>The thought’s circulated through his mind until suddenly he had a lapful of archangel. And again, Sam didn’t know how to handle it. His body tensed, and his mind searched for how to respond to the affectionate gesture. But Sam just kept blanking.</p><p> </p><p>Gabe gave Sam a look, it was completely neutral. And for the second time that day Sam’s heart plummeted.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Of course, Gabe wouldn’t want to touch Sam either.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Of course, Gabe could feel the dirtiness of Sam’s body.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Of course, Gabe could feel the stain on Sam’s soul.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>By the time Sam managed to push the thoughts from his mind, Gabe had left the room completely. And Sam sat at the table, feeling completely broken.</p><p> </p><p>It continued throughout the day. And each time Sam felt more and more miserable. He felt like each time the touches were more fleeting, the looks more disgusted. And each moment brought Sam closer to an inevitable breakdown.</p><p> </p><p>Later that night the four drank. They didn’t get drunk, just looser. And finally, Sam got a touch he understood. It was rougher. Gabriel pressing Sam against the wall and biting at Sam’s lips. Cass holding his hips tightly. Sam almost swooned, at least he knew how to respond to this one. At least they were touching him. And even though his heart ached for the tenderness that he usually saw them give Dean, he would accept any touch they wanted to give him.</p><p> </p><p>After the three had finished Sam rolled over to his corner of the bed. He felt better because they still wanted to touch him at least a little. And to Sam that’s all that mattered. And Sam almost fell into a peaceful sleep, but then an arm snaked around his waist. And he just didn’t understand the touch, it felt foreign. It wasn’t a bad touch; Sam just didn’t know how to respond. His instant reaction was what it had been all day, to tense.</p><p> </p><p>Sam heard a sigh. And tears burned in his eyes as both angels left the room.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>They don’t want you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>They don’t need you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Just LEAVE.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sam could barely handle the pain in his chest. Sobs spasmed through his body. And it felt like a millennia before he was able to calm himself enough to walk to the kitchen for some water.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think it’s going to work with Sam, Dean,” Sam heard Castiel’s voice and his heart dropped,” We can’t touch him.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not working,” Gabe’s voice spoke.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe you just need to keep trying,” Dean says.</p><p> </p><p>“We CAN’T touch him Dean,” Cass says with emphasis,” I don’t know how to do this.”</p><p> </p><p>Sam walked away before he could hear more. He skipped over the kitchen and went straight to the library, scribbling out a note.</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>Don’t come after me- S.W.’</em></p><p> </p><p>Then Sam left into the dark outside the bunker.</p><p> </p><p>The next few weeks were hard. Sam slept in the back of his truck at nights, not wanting to bother with a huge empty bed. And he caught a few cases in the following weeks as well. He never stayed in one place long, sometimes driving hours into the night.</p><p> </p><p>At some point he came across where Charlie had been taking up residence and gave the redhead a call.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s up bitch?” Charlie answered.</p><p> </p><p>“Not much,” Sam laughed a bit, tears were still stained on his cheeks,” Is it cool if I drop by later? I’m hunting in the area.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie had excitedly told him that that was fine, before hanging up to clean up her place. Sam hung up as well before driving to the cemetery.</p><p> </p><p>It was only supposed to be a salt and burn. There wasn’t supposed to be ghouls. It wasn’t supposed to be three of them. Sam burned the body and got rid of the ghost, only to find out it wasn’t the only supernatural problem in town when he was attacked.</p><p> </p><p>He had managed to shoot them all through the head, but not until after receiving fatal injuries. A large blood stain oozed through his shirt where one of the ghouls had used his own knife to stab him. His arms were cut open and bleeding heavily.</p><p> </p><p>Sam groaned as he barely made it to his truck before collapsing into the passenger’s seat. A part of his mind knew he needed medical attention. But yet he drove to Charlie. He walked up her walkway and banged weakly on the front door. And when it opened, he collapsed barely conscious in her arms. Blood everywhere. His head felt fuzzy as darkness started to mix its way into his vision. And Charlie’s voice was warped from the blood rushing through his ears. Finally, he groaned one last time before giving into darkness.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie stood anxiously as Dean paced around her apartment. The man would sit for a matter of six seconds before springing up again and pacing for another 15 and repeating the process.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie bit back a comment on Dean wearing a hole in her carpet. Now wasn’t the time.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Cass and Gabe emerged from the bedroom, both looking exhausted and worried.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s Sammy!?” Dean asked, his protective older brother side shining through.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s alive,” Gabe says looking more stressed then anyone in the room had ever seen him. Gabe sat down heavily on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>“He lost a lot of blood,” Cass says with a frown,” But he will be okay. Dean, we should probably go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Screw that,” Dean growls,” That is my little brother; I’m not leaving.”</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t want us here,” Gabe says.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not- “</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell is going on?” Charlie asked,” Things were great between all of you. You all were getting along.”</p><p> </p><p>There was a moment of silence, “Sam broke up with Gabe and I,” Cass says staring at Charlie sadly.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie squinted,” That doesn’t sound like him.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you!” Dean says,” His note was obviously a cry for help. No one writes ‘Don’t come looking for me’ unless they need someone to look for them.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve written it before,” Cass says.</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly my point,” Dean says.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened?” Charlie asks trying to regain control over the situation.</p><p> </p><p>There was another beat of silence, “Sam has shown aversion to touching us,” Castiel says,” And Dean has told us that with some people that is normal. But he told us after Gabe, and I may have pushed Sam too far. And Sam left.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s brows furrowed, “Aversion to touch?” Charlie asks confused, “Sam doesn’t have an aversion to touch. I mean sure he’s a bit touch-starved and it takes a minute for him to figure out how to respond, but he doesn’t have an aversion to it.”</p><p> </p><p>All three of the males in the room gave Charlie a blank stare.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie sighed exasperatedly,” You’re telling me that thought never crossed your mind? Think about it guys. His mother died before he could talk. His dad raised him and Dean to be warriors. His girlfriend died and burned on a ceiling straight above him. He was tortured inside the cage with Lucifer, where the only touch he got was bad. And it isn’t exactly like the brothers are the touchy-feely type, not unless one just died and came back or suffered a major injury. The guy doesn’t know how to respond to gentle and loving. It’s like when you feed a stomach that has been starved rich food, it just doesn’t know how to deal and so it tenses up and throws it up. It’s got nothing to do with him not wanting to touch you.”</p><p> </p><p>The three males now looked at Charlie in awe. Like she alone had discovered the secrets of the universe.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie sighed,” I’m going to go out to the comic bookstore down the road,” Charlie says,” You guys take the time to work this out. Dean, you want to come? I figure the angels and your brother need some one on one.”</p><p> </p><p>Dean didn’t want to leave his brother, but he also knew the issue needed to be resolved sooner rather than later.</p><p> </p><p>They left the angels alone in the living room. Both sitting there awkwardly. Time passed, and suddenly a loud noise came from the bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>Both angels ran into the room to find Sam tangled in the bedsheets on the ground and fighting with the now fallen lamp’s cord. Though the tall Winchester paused when he saw the angels. His entire body tense.</p><p> </p><p>“Sam, we looked for you for weeks,” Cass says striding over to the man on the ground and pulling him into a hug, “I’m so glad you are okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“I am glad too,” Gabriel says, obviously having a hard time with the serious moment.</p><p> </p><p>Sam was stiff in the hug, but this time Castiel didn’t let go when Sam didn’t relax right away. And sure enough after a minute or two Sam finally processed what to do and hugged Cass back.</p><p> </p><p>“We thought you didn’t want to touch us,” Gabe says sitting down and leaning into Sam’s side,” We got all weird about it. And then Dean told us you might have an aversion, and we were going to apologise for pushing you, but you were gone. And then Charlie laid out what was really going on, and now we all feel stupid.”</p><p> </p><p>Sam tensed again. And suddenly both angels felt Sam’s body shaking. At first they thought it was laughter, but then they saw the tears.</p><p> </p><p>“Sam what’s- “</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you found my touch repulsive,” Sam says brokenly,” I thought you were forcing yourself to touch me, and then you were giving up when you felt how repulsive I was. And then I walked by Dean’s room and I thought I heard you guy’s talking about wanting to break up. And so I ran.”</p><p> </p><p>There was another beat of silence.</p><p> </p><p>“So, we are all officially very stupid,” Gabriel snorts,” Because breaking up with you was never a plan. We were plotting how to cuddle the shit out of you, but it never crossed our minds to break up with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve never been repulsed by you either,” Castiel says,” I find touching you incredibly nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Sam half sobs and half laughs.</p><p> </p><p>“We are stupid,” Sam says.</p><p> </p><p>“I can agree with that,” Dean’s voice cuts through the moment. “Now if the chick flick moment is over, we should be getting out of here.”</p><p> </p><p>The two angels and Dean helped Sam out to the car. They all said goodbye to Charlie before taking off down the road in the Impala.</p><p> </p><p>Sam fell asleep as Cas played with his hair in the back seat. A happy smile was laid upon his face.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
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